Bittersweet
by Blackfire 18
Summary: Denied of rest and denied of love, Commodus turns to his only sister for solace, but the question is, will she offer it?


**Bittersweet**

**Disclaimer: I do not Gladiator nor any of the characters there within.**

I studied Lucilla's son through skeptical eyes. How can he sleep so well? I wondered. My eyes widened slightly as the only obvious answer came to me. I recalled how Lucilla used to rest; eyes gently closed, her chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm, her lips parted slight—like a lover's. I had watched her every night in silent agony. How rosy she would be the morning next…

The click of heels shook me from my dark reverie, but I left my gaze on Lucius. In a flurry of skirts and dresses, Lucilla stood beside her only brother.

I could see from the corner of my eye, she seemed frightened; of me, or for her son's safety? Her silence astounded me, the quiet pounding in my ears, allowing me to hear my fierce heartbeat. I spoke suddenly, startling to both of us out of a sweet silence.

"He sleeps so well because he is loved." I lamented to my beloved and adored sister, exclaiming the black plague in my very heart. She passed me a fleeting glance and my heart fluttered and then sank with her curt response.

"Come brother, it's late."

She lifted her skirts elegantly and turned just so, intent on luring me away from Lucius. Giving one last glance at my nephew, reminding me so much of his mother, I continued after Lucilla.

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Her stride paced me to a near trot just to keep up with her. She was obviously wary enough to keep myself as far away from her son as humanly possible. We walked on in a deafening silence. I dared not to look up at my sister, nor even to look as to where we were going. What did it matter, so long as she would stay to console me?

I watched her arm swing like a pendulum, entrancing me. My eyes trickled toward her hand and I longed to hold it in my own as we had when we were but young children. I sidled up beside her, reaching out, stretching vainly for her hand. My entire arm began to shudder horribly and I dropped it in remorseful defeat. Such a cowardly Emperor to rule the empire that is Rome; I was at once torn between grief and shame.

Patience. One of Father's virtues, but _Courage_ shall rival it, one of my virtues. Courage is what saved Caesar and it shall surely save me. Until such an occurrence, Father's virtues must prevail. Patience, I must have.

Lucilla had stopped at last and I took a moment to gather my surroundings. We were in a room secluded only to the royals and our doctors. Tonics were brewed here in the benevolence that we should always be healthy and happy. My father had wanted to share this with the world once the time came, but his time had ended. This was my world now—_my_ empire.

I leaned against the wooden table slightly, Lucilla brewing one thing or another, perhaps for a headache she has? None like mine.

"I will give Rome a vision. That is what Graccus and his friends do not see. All my desires are splitting my head." I moaned tiredly, watching Lucilla's back as she finished her concoction. I swiftly drew my gaze away from her and down to the table, hoping to look aloofly innocent. She was coming toward me now, I swallowed hard.

"Commodus?" she called gently, hesitantly. I looked up at her, deeply ashamed of my darkly circled eyes and my heavily disheveled hair. Her eyes were layered with many levels of concern and my stomach turned. It was only his sister that cared so much for him, even his own Father had never been so loving toward his only son. "Drink this tonic."

The drink was for me? My heart began to flutter nervously, yet happily in my chest. She had made it especially for me! I mechanically forced my trembling hand to take the tiny glass. Her gently fingers brushed mine as I held the glass. I looked up at her again, trusting her, loving her. Her gaze dropped and fell to the side and she took a cautious step away, clasping her hands behind her back. My eyes returned to the tonic and I raised the little glass to my lips, took a swig and swallowed.

Bittersweet.

Not unlike to my life.

"I think it is time I announced the dissolution of the Senate." I gazed into her eyes, seeking her reaction, her answer, her shock—anything! Pausing and impatient for her answer, I goaded her further. "Do you think I should? Are the people ready?"

She had to answer me now. Inhaling a deep, mute breath, she replied:

"I think you need your rest now."

I sighed inwardly. She was right. She was always right. Why am I rambling on about politics? It's far too late for talk of such nonsense.

All the while I was staring into her down-turned eyes.

Hmm. Sleep. Rest in a dark, cold chamber with only the chilly sheets to keep me warm and the howling wind for company. I spited the idea of sleeping alone, in the unforgiving dark and silence. But Lucilla was right, as much as I feared and bartered my hours of rest, I had to sleep eventually. Ever since mother had passed into Elysium, I have never been content to sleep in the darkness. Her spirit forever haunted my closed eyes; but Lucilla had been by my side to coax me to sleep.

My lips trembling, I could only open my mouth to the request. When no sound came, I inhaled deeply at the foiled attempt. Defeated once again, I looked away from her, eyes falling with a crash to the ground. With the tidbit of comfort it gave me, I voiced my request.

"Will you stay with me?"

Muttered and soft; how infantile. Had she even heard?...Yes.

"Still afraid of the dark, brother?" My gaze snapped back up to hers; an insult? No, no, she was smiling faintly, and there was gentle laughter in her eyes—laughing at an old memory no less. I would not lie to my only sister, but I feared that I must twist the truth to meet my own selfish ends.

"Still?" I repeated, acting on disbelief, she remembers, of course she remembers. She had to stifle my tears so we both may rest. The night was, and always had been foreboding. Hiding its monsters and secrets. Had she no sympathy for her only brother?

"Always." I turned away lest she see my burning shame. Again I repeated my longed for request, suddenly bold enough to stare into her vigilant eyes. "Stay with me tonight?"

"You know I won't." Was her flat reply. A very faint smile twisted at the edges of my lips, she will not escape the inevitable. I took two slow, deliberate steps forward. "Then kiss me."

She would not deny me this and she knew it. There it was in her eyes. Her gaze shifted uncomfortably from myself, to the floor and back up into my two glaring eyes. Unable to restrain myself from her; her cool fragrance and soft skin—I tilted my head to one side and leaned forward. I could almost hear the gears churning in her mind, racing in a panic. No! You shall not deny me of this, dear sister.

Suddenly, I felt her hands pressed against either side of my head. Her hold was gentle but firm, with an air of fearful determination. My head was turned slightly down and her lips touched my forehead for a brief moment before she pulled away with only two curt words for our parting;

"Sleep brother."

Her back turned, I did not see her face after the tense instant. I cannot begin to describe the disappointment that clouded my heart.

With the clicking of her heels growing fainter in the night, I realized, she had found an escape. Lucilla had fulfilled my request, but twisted the words so she need not touch my lips with her own.

Crushed as I was, I smiled for her victory. I admired her intelligence and someday wished to have it for my own.

I applaud you my sister, perhaps you should have been emperor in my stead. You may have been the victor in this battle, but the war is not yet over. I am the Emperor. I shall have my way. I shall have you, no matter how bittersweet for the asking.

_Fini _

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**A/N: 0.o This is probably the most twisted of works I've posted yet. **

**This is another of my more favorite scenes for reasons beyond me to explain; perhaps just the danger and foreboding of it all. Commodus is in power and has only but a few steps and commands to have anything and everything he wants. Lucilla is stretched between both extremes and is at the mercy of her brother—I just love it! **

**I hope you all enjoyed it and please review!!!**

**Blackfire 18**


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